Life, love and lies

Okay so this is my first blog. ever. so lets just start this one by getting to know me. My life today is almost everything i ever dreamt it would be. just a little backwards. and sometimes it makes you wounder if this is really what you wanted with your life. I just bought a house with my BF. Now before anyone says anything we have been dating for 4 years. Living together for 2 years. it seems only natural to move on. some might get married, but like i said. my life's just a little backwards. So instead we chose to buy a house. However as time moves closer to moving in and settling down it all makes me question so much. I know i love my BF. He's literally everything i ever wanted. But then i have days like today. Do i really even want love. And i know this might make all the girls out there who are adamantly looking for love hate me. Because love i have found. however things aren't always what they are cracked up to be. Now i say all this and i know it's a lie. i know all that i truly want deep down inside is to be with my BF and make all are dreams come true. But why do i insist on having these times where i flat out lie to myself by saying its not what i want. Is it because I am afraid. Being scarred has stopped me from loving once before. Now i know that it was a good thing today because of where my life now is. I was perfectly fine with all of this. The buying a house. it was so scary, but i was alright with taking that next step. let me back up one month before our large purchase. My BF and i have talked about marriage quite a bit! And it was always me who wasn't ready too. I am only 20!!! but then i decided i was finally ready. So i tell him. Not wanting to jump and do it. but just to let him know so he eventually will purpose. and we take that next step. The next thing i know we are sitting in a real estate office signing a contract on a house. My stomach literally turned and i almost got sick. might i mention without a ring. not that it matters. just don't want anyone to think that. so here we are a week and a half before the big move day. and i have cold feet. inside i am screaming let me out. and partially on the outside too. Hence all the fighting my BF and i have been having. (Which let me point out is very unusual because we never fight.) But deep in the inside i am screaming even louder it's okay. everything is okay. just wait, one month from now you will look back at this blog. and be a little upset you ever felt that way. Maybe it's all the changes that have taking place. With in the last four months we have changed our lives drastically! First we wake up one morning and decided that we aren't going to drink anymore, it's hard on us. and we want more than that. Second my BF takes a job working nights. It's a great job, he loves it, but it hard. I really miss him night. A lot. Then third is our big purchase. It's all so much. i guess that's why my big voice inside is telling me wait it out. I know once things are settled. and we are snuggling away in our new home things will be good. things will be really good. I'm just ready to get there!